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#Life : Why I Decided NotTo Have Kids

When I was in highschool around the age of 12 I knew I didn't want kids, ever. When ever I expressed that opinion people would tell me I was to young to really have an opinion on it, which in a way I could sort of understand. I hadn't fully lived life or knew anyone (besides adults) that had kids. However, even though I was young I still knew what I wanted out of life. I mean, if I can decide what I wanted to be when I grew up why couldn't I decide if I wanted to have kids?

As I grew older my opinion never changed, I still don't want kids. It wasn't until I was 17 that I had gotten a different answer. While talking to my classmates I had told them I didn't want kids, and one of my male classmates told me that my opinion would change as I got older. Why? Again I was to young, sweety you're the same age as me, how are you mature enough to make the choice to have kids but my decision to not have them makes me to immature to know?

That was 7 years ago, I'm now a grown woman and guess what? I still don't want them. Why, you might ask? Simply put, I don't like them. I don't like the thought of motherhood or chasing after a toddler. What really made me not want having kids was my sister. She's an amazing mom but her journey there is something that I don't want to take. Her future was cut so short when she had my nephews.  She had her own apartment, a degree in graphic design, and was really making some headway. Then she met an amazing guy and a few months later *pop* here comes a baby. She then begin having money troubles, she couldn't keep her beautiful apartment she worked so hard for. Eventually, she had to move in with her boyfriend's mom while her boyfriend worked. Then *pop* another one. Her free time, her figure, her life, was gone in a blink of an eye. All of a sudden it's all about her kids. After a few years they're just now getting back on their feet, they got married and it's all going well. I'm very proud of her, she took it all in stride and is a far better woman for it. However, was it worth it? In my opinion it's not. The crying, the yelling, the debt is not for me. I don't want to go through it and I don't have to.

You might consider me selfish for those being my reasons, they're not. Why would I have a kid if I know I could not afford one? So I can live life struggling so hopefully my kid doesn't come out to regret me? Or wonder why mommy and daddy worked all the time and never could be with them? No. It's not worth ruining a childhood. I also think about the effect it'll have on me. I cry at the thought being pregnant and my body going fun house mirrors on me. I'm not emotionally stable for a child. I've had pregnancy scares and have done things I'm not proud of to get rid of that "maybe" baby. I know I would most likely have postpartum depression after giving birth, that's not healthy or safe. It's a reality I'm not prepared to face. So I ask again. How am I selfish for not wanting to put a child in harms way?  There's an on going joke about how people should be required to take a test before they have kids, or a mental screening. If this was ever implemented I know in my heart of hearts I would fail. I have zero maternal instincts, I have no idea what to do with a baby. The only good reason I could think to have one would be so somebody around when I die. Which is an awful reason to have a child. You should have a child because you want to be a mother. Not because you're pressured to have one, or because you want someone around when you die. It should be a genuine love for children and to be a parent. That's it.

I've toyed with the idea once or twice but I know I would need a nanny or someone with me 24/7 when I have it until I could emotionally deal. But at the end of the day knowing myself has shown me that motherhood is not a good choice for me. It wasn't good for me when I was young, and now that I'm older it's still not.  It would take something very powerful in my life for me to change my mind. So spare me the "you'll change" speech... my mind is made up. 

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